The New Yorker

An Oral History of Isaac Newton “Discovering” Gravity, as Told by His Contemporaries

With This Facebook Like, I Hereby Acknowledge That You Got Married

A Fantasy Author Describes a Character Getting Physically Stronger Despite Having No Idea How That Would Feel

Introducing the Brand-New Historic District

The Secret to Success Is Failure, or I Guess Not Failing Would Also Work

Why I Was Late for Work Today

Other Luxury Food Items That Used to Be Considered Disgusting

Al Capone’s Tax Returns


The Diary of a Settler of Catan

Casey “At the Bat” Responds to That Mean Poem About Him

Studio Notes on the Moon Landing

Diary of a Prehistoric Insect

We Can Get This Startup Revenue-Neutral, by Simply Running Out of Money and Firing Everyone

Actually, I’m Teaching These Kids Way More Than They’re Teaching Me

Above Average

Women Always Choose Loud Assholes Over Guys Like Me, The Quiet Assholes

Guy With Barbed Wire Tattoo Must Really Not Want His Bicep To Get Out

My Dealer Sold Me A Bag Of Oregano, But Joke’s On Him: I Love Oregano

“Why Can’t Both Sides Just Respect Each Other?” Says Stupid Piece Of Shit

Hero: This Man Starts One Fire A Week So Firemen Will Always Have Work

Mark Wahlberg Thinks For Next Role He Might Like To Play A Boston Cop

Embarrassing: This Group Of Kids All Wore The Same T-Shirt To Disneyland

Don’t Even Talk To Me Before I’ve Had My Morning Taco Salad

Lone Glove On Sidewalk A Metaphor For How Sometimes People Lose Gloves

I Brushed My Teeth Every Day For A Week And Here’s What I Learned

all Above Average articles

The Kicker

Peyton Manning Celebrates Super Bowl Win With Ten Of His Closest Brands

Jets Fan Doesn’t Even Cut Eyeholes In Paper Bag

Opinion: LeBron Will Never Catch Jordan In Terms Of Age

Sam Bradford Throws Fit, Fit Gets Intercepted And Returned For TD

Phil Mickelson Spends Relaxing Day Off Doing Office Work In A Cubicle

Goodell Penalizes Pats 20 Yards For Celebrating Super Bowl Win

Cocaine Embarrassed To Be Found With Greg Hardy

Almost Ready: Conor McGregor Asks If Boxing Is “The One With Your Feet”

Compromise: Penn State Installs Statue Of Joe Paterno Looking The Other Way

Mark Sanchez Placed On Mark Sanchez List

all The Kicker articles


Ideas for Filling Out the World in My Fantasy Novel

Am I Ready to Order? I Just Got Back from Italy, So You Tell Me.

A Father’s Promise

Bygone Bureau

If We Didn’t Laugh, We’d Cry, or Vice Versa

Chance Encounters

Hot Hot Phone

Being a Plastic Surgeon Is More Rewarding Than You Think

Scenes From Next Year’s Oscar-Nominated Biopics

Reviews of Fingernails

Next-Level Viral Marketing Pranks to Put Our Agency on the Map

Backstage Rider

The Higgs Weldon

Free Lance

Slow Motion

How to Figure Out Your Porn Star Name

I’m Sick of Your Passive-Aggressive Bullshit




Gift Horse


This Kid Plays the Game the Right Way

Points in Case

We Have Created a Computer That Can Feel Love, But Unfortunately It Sucks at Chess


My Kitchen Is On Fire. Is That In Style?

Is It Immoral to Declaw My Clawfoot Tub?

Is It Tacky to Put Balustrades in My Turrets?

How Do I Decorate My Daughter’s Room So She Ends Up Liking the Same Music As Me?

Just Out of Curiosity, How Do You Remove Blood Stains?

How Do I Spruce Up the Pit I Dug to Trap Intruders?

If I Get My Son a Murphy Bed Will He Turn Into a 1930s Slapstick Comedian?

Was That a Load-Bearing Wall?

Here’s a List of Projects Martha Stewart Could Have Done While She Was Trapped in an Elevator